If you have funny Ford Jokes, e-mail them to me.

A Texan was talking big in a bar one night about how much money he had, how many women he had been with and how much land he owned. A young man, growing tired of all the big talk finally asked the Texan, "Just how much land do you actually own"? The Texan tipped back his cowboy hat and said to the young man " Well sonny let me put it to ya like this, I can get in my pickup at sunrise, drive all day long,skip lunch and still not get to the other side of my property by sundown". The young man shot back quickly, " Oh yeah, I know what you mean, I used to own a Ford truck too"!

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Dusk to dusk
Hump to hump
There went
The ford in
The dump.

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Nú Mustang er liðinn í aldanna skaut
og aldrei hann kemur til baka.
Nú horfin er sérhver hans úrbræðsluþraut,
hann sést ekki framar á kvartmílubraut.
Hvar eftir annað í startinu sat hann.

Einhver snillingur á Kvartmíla.is hafði breytt þessum texta sem ég og aftur breyti.

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Alli's list of truths in Ford advertisements

What the advert said versus what it really means
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needs minor work = needs significant work

needs nothing = except a tow truck

easy project car = completely disassembled, bring many boxes

minor rust = don't sit down!

minor rust = major rust you can’t see...

low mileage = only 170,000

convertible = after driving under truck

runs great = too bad it doesn’t roll

alarm = wires are cut to sell stolen

nice stereo = to overcome exhaust noise

needs paint = to cover rust

new paint = beautifully covers rust

fully loaded = seller is too

all options = 8-track player

only 59,000 miles = actually 359,000 miles

rare model = one of 500,000 made

must sell = before the law finds seller

must sell = need bail money

summer fun = roof leaks in winter

summer fun = won't make it to fall

reliable = don't leave the neighborhood

daily driver = 400 miles a day

only driven Sundays = Sunday is race day

engine rebuilt = engine degreased to look it

doesn’t smoke = no oil to burn, or 90wt oil

trans. rebuilt = fine sawdust used to make it quiet

4 speed gearbox = 5th gear is dead

hurry, won't last = neither will car

new tires = retreads years ago

well maintained = oil changed every other leap year

drives like dream = nightmare

car cover = to help keep out rats

always garaged = embarrassed to leave it outside

family owned = driven by 6 teenagers

fully restored = nothing original

smog exempt = DMV doesn't think so

tags till next year = stolen year sticker

moving, must sell = off to jail, need bail money

Mustangs?
Well, let me just say this... if I were a horse, I'd kill myself. I would not want my name to be associated with such massively produced pieces of crap. I mean, I'd rather look at a horse's ass than a Ford Mustang.

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This is what FORD DRIVERS do when they see they are up against Pontiacs in racing !

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Here I sit
All broken-hearted
Bought a Ford
That almost started

I bought a Ford
And got it loaded
It laid down
And then exploded

I took it in
To get repaired
No such thing
Ford ain't prepared

Got it home
In great disgust
Now it sits
Collecting dust

When it died
My friends agreed
It's one less chance
To hit a tree

The price you pay
To own a Ford
Is just one side
Of a double-edged sword

-Thanks to Bud for this one.

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Did you hear about the Ford Mustang driver who opened the
door to let the clutch out?

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License plate frame I saw… Today's Special… Smoked Ford

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HOW COME FORD MAKES TRACTORS AND CHEVY DOESN'T?
Because Chevy cant get one to run that slow!!!

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Jesus was a Ford man, he walked everywhere he went.

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WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE IF YOU HAD 100 FORD TRUCKS AND ONE CHEVY TRUCK?
You would have a good junk yard and one good tow truck.

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That's not a leak, my Ford's just marking its territory!

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The funny thing about people who say "I'd rather push a Ford than drive a Pontiac" is that they usually end up doing just that.

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MAN: Do you want to come for a drive in my Ford??
BOY: NO!!
M: I will give you a packet of crisps.
B: NO!!
M: I will give you a packet of crisps, and a mars bar.
B: NO!!
M: I will give you a packet of crisps, and a mars bar and a fiver.
B: NO!!
M: So what can I give you??
B: Dad, there is now way that I am going in your Ford!!!

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What's the ambition of a Mustang driver?

To get caught speeding.

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How do you get to Las Vegas in a Ford?

You'll be lucky.

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What's a Mustang driver's favourite chat up line?

'Here Luv, give us a push!'

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PONTIAC ALL THE WAY BUILT TO PULL A FORD AWAY.

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WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FORD AND A LADA?

A Lada comes with its own tow rope.

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Is your wife pregnant? Want a girl? Take her for a ride in a Ford, it'll shake the nuts of anything.

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EVER WONDER WHY THE EMERGENCY TELEPHONE CALL BOXES ARE PAINTED BLUE?

So the Ford owners can match that to the Ford emblem and know where to call for a tow truck.

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MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage

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WHAT DOES THE GT STAND FOR ON A MUSTANG?
Glue together!

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Do you know why Henry Ford started mass producing Fords?
Answer: To give the automotive repair industry a boost

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GIVE FORD OWNERS A BREAK, OR A LOAN TO BUY A PONTIAC.

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WHY ARE FORD DEALERS GIVING AWAY A FREE GERMAN SHEPARD PUPPY WITH EVERY NEW TRUCK?
So the owners will have someone to walk home with.

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License plate holder I saw........."Thank God Ford doesn't build airplanes"

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WHAT'S WORSE THAN DRINKING FROM THE TOLIET?
Driving a Ford

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HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW SPEED LIMIT SIGNS?
MAXIMUM SPEED LIMIT ------65 MILES PER HR. FORDS DO THE BEST YOU CAN

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WHY ARE THERE SIDEWALKS BESIDE MOST STREETS AND HIWAYS?

So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.

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I was driving my Ford truck down the road,
When I realized it was gonna explode.
The Ford motor blew up in my face,
So I put a GM motor in it's place.
I drove that truck 'till the body panels rusted away,
But that old GM motor still runs to this day!

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Why do they put top quality braking systems on fords?
-- So you can stop quick to pick up the parts that keep falling off!
Why do they put heated tailgates on fords?
-- To keep your hands warm when your pushing them home.

You might own a Ford IF...
-- You keep receiving sympathy cards from The Dept Of Transportation.

Why do they put sidewalks beside most streets and highways?
-- So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.

Why are the new fords so aerodynamicly designed?
-- So Chevy tow trucks will get better gas mileage.

How can they approve the new Ford truck?
-- Put a GM engine in it.

Why is this country so far in debt?
-- Because the President drives a Ford.

Why did the chicken cross the road?.
-- To push his Ford F-150 back into the shop.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
-- Because his F-150 got stuck.

Why are the Ford dealers giving away a free German Shepard with every car sold?
-- So the owner has someone to walk home with.

Why do the new F-150's have larger bumpers?
-- It makes it easier on the tow trucks.

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The Top 10 signs you know you are driving a Ford.


10. You look in your rear-view mirror to see two people with their hands on your tailgate.

9. You constantly receive sympathy cards from the Department of Transportation.

8. When you are walking across the parking lot, you see a priest performing last rights on your truck.

7. While stopped at stoplights, other motorists offer to help push to get you started again.

6. You have to stop along side the road at least once a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.

5. You have preferred customer status at NAPA.

4. You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone will steal your truck.

3. When you drive though town, people stop what they are doing and just start laughing.

2. People try to hire you to bring your truck to their house to fog for mosquitos.

And the #1 reason you know your driving a Ford...........

1. In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of running shoes.


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From the past 10 years about 90% of Ford trucks are still on the road, the other 10% made it home.

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Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
If it wasn't for our Fords,
our tools would rust.

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SPEED KILLS
DRIVE A FORD
LIVE FOR EVER

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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRIVE A FORD

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Newest entries are on the bottom.

WHY DID FORD PUT HEATERS IN THE TAILGATES OF THEIR NEW TRUCKS?

To keep their hands warm when they are pushing the truck into the shop.

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HOW IS A GOLF BALL DIFFERENT FROM A FORD?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards!

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FORD ACRONYMS:
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Backwards... Driver Returns On Foot
Factory Ordered Road Disaster
Factory Ordered Rebuilt Dodge(Datsun)
Flip Over Read Directions
Four Old Rusted Doors
Fixed On Race Day
Ford Owner Really Dumb
For Only Retarded Drivers
Fabrication Ordinaire Reparation Dispendieuse - French for ordinary fabrication expensive repairs.
Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy
Found On Russian Dump
For Off Road Death
it Freaking Only Runs Downhill
Fat Old Rusted Dog
Freaking Old Rusted Dodge(Datsun)
Frigin Oakies Really Dig it
Funky Old Road Dog
Found On Roadside's Destroyed
Backwards...Don't Ride Over Fifty

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Why did the chicken cross the road?To push his FORD back into the shop!

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PINTO ACRONYMS:
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
Put In New Transmission Often

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LINE FROM A SONG SUNG BY A FAMOUS COUNTRY SINGER
"I wanta buy me a Ford truck and push it up and down the road."

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They are weak! The Mustang GT's come with 225 horsepower! What gives? Let's just compare for a second. The Mustang GT's "Chevy Counterpart"

is the Camaro Z28, it always has been. They're competing models. The power breaks down like this:


Mustang (base model V6): 150 HP

Mustang GT: 225 HP

Camaro (base model V6): 200 HP

Camaro Z28: 305 HP

(all HP figures based on 1998 models.)

Can you really compare a 4.6L to a 5.7L??

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ONE WORD:
Pinto

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This is Chevy country and on a quiet night you can hear a Ford rust...

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A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

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This is your brain "PONTIAC", this is your brain on drugs "FORD"

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Buy a Ford and you buy the best. Drive the first mile and walk the rest.

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Ford trucks the worst always rest

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My parents just bought me a Ford Mustang. "So what did you do to them to tick them off?"

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I could never keep a Ford under me, I was always under the Ford.

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Do you know that Ford has admitted they are expensive and unreliable? That new commercial they are running says so! When that country singer says "If I had me some money" he admits he can't afford one, and when he adds that he'd "buy a Ford truck or two" it because he needs a spare.

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Next time some Fordnatic claims Ford means "First on race day" remind them that anything could be fast if a team of mechanics worked on it all week so it would last long enoug to run a race before needing another weeks work.

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WHY ARE THE NEW FORD TRUCKS MORE AERODYNAMIC?
So they will save the Chevy gas when the Chevy tows them away.

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WHAT SHOULD THE FORD MUSTANG REALLY BE CALLED?
The Ford Rustang

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WHY IS THIS COUNTRY SO FAR IN DEBT?
Because the President drives a Ford

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WHAT DID THE CHEVY SAY TO THE FORD?
Would you like a tow home?

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HOW CAN THEY APPROVE THE NEW FORD TRUCK?
Put a Chevy engine in it.

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HOW MUCH WOOD CAN A FORD TRUCK HAUL IF A FORD TRUCK COULD HAUL WOOD?
As much as the Chevrolet tow truck in front of it.

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WHAT SHOULD A FORD THUNDERBIRD REALLY BE CALLED?
A Ford Thunderturd

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I'd rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford!

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HOW DO YOU DOUBLE THE VALUE OF A PINTO?
Fill it with gas!

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Ford Escort Me To A Chevrolet Dealer.

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Have you outdriven a Ford lately?

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WHAT SHOULD A FORD TAURUS REALLY BE CALLED?
A Ford Tortious

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WHAT SHOULD THE MERCURY COUGAR REALLY BE CALLED?
"The Mercury Bougar"

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If Ford mean's(First on race day) It is only because it is still there from the last race day.

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Ford is just jellouse because Chevy is cheaper and we get to wear our bowtie's all the time.

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Have you dusted a Ford lately?

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Have you driven over a Ford lately?

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"As if seeing them on the road is not enough,
now you can read about them online."

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This page is a joke. It is here to make Chevy (GM) people laugh. If you're a Ford person, well I'm glad you can test to what I'm saying here. But, DO NOT WRITE ME a letter asking for a response, as I have no response to you other than my page. And if you feel inclined to write me anyway (because you still don't understand this page is a JOKE) then you're one of the people that this page is intended to offend. Thanks for stopping by; Alli.

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